


Magicians Always Read Instructions

by tranquilsea



Category: Arrested Development
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Blunder, Cheesy, Dorks in Love, Fluff, Fluff without Plot, Humor, Idiots in Love, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Rivals to Lovers, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-05-20 23:09:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14903948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tranquilsea/pseuds/tranquilsea
Summary: George Oscar "Gob" Bluth decides to take down his all time rival, Tony Wonder.Like any good magician, he reads up before hand.Too bad the only instruction he remembers is the phrase 'Honesty is Key'.





	Magicians Always Read Instructions

When GOB devises his plan to permanently annihilate his all-time rival, Tony Wonder, he realises that he needs to more than his usual last minute, slap dash preparation. He attempts to research ideas on his phone, but ends up distracted by the many hilarious animal videos George Michael continuously posts all day. In the end, all he remembers from several hours ‘research’ is the phrase, ‘ _Honesty is key’_ and like any good magician, follows the instruction to the letter.

That evening, he finds himself perched on one of the hard bar stools at the back of the seedy gay bar where Tony is preforming that evening. He is beginning to regret his choice of comfy beige slacks when he sees the amount of tight leather and chains everyone else is wearing. GOB uncomfortably moves his seat further into the dark corner, hoping that he won’t be seen in the dim shadows.

Then the show starts. GOB quickly forgets his anxiety, finding himself leaning forward in his seat to catch the way Tony is able to so quickly distract his audience and set up his next trick. Against his better wishes, he finds himself clapping with the rest of the audience when the show ends. Unsure of what to do now the show has ended, and what he was hoping to achieve by showing up here of all places, he watches the crowd to see what he should do. They linger by their tables, laughing in the light of dinky, romantic candles. So GOB nurses his drink, swirling it around until he hears someone say the word ‘wonder’ and flinches, automatically, when the man himself appears beside him.

“Did someone say Tony Wonder?!” exclaims Tony, sauntering straight over to GOB. He claps a hand on GOB’s shoulder, and leans down and says: “What’s a  second-rate magician’s assistant doing here?”

Tony is standing so close to him, GOB can smell the light, fruity aftershave Tony is wearing. It smells familiar and distracted for a moment or two trying to figure out where he has smelt it before, he only belatedly answers Tony’s question when he remembers that the other magician is still standing behind him.

 “I came to expose you,” GOB replied eventually, “I know you’re straight.” GOB could have told Tony any number of inventive lies, but knew in order to successfully pull off what would be his most complicated trick, he needed to follow the instruction: _Honesty is key_.

“So?” countered Tony, giving him a confident little smirk. His ‘W’ beard had been died purple to match the vibrant purple waistcoat the skimmed his small frame. “I know you’re not Christian. I could expose you.”

“Same,” responded GOB, but knew it was a weak shot, and that he had lost this particular verbal battle.

But Tony had grabbed a spare bar stool, and was now sitting next to him, leather clad knee gently tapping against his own as the other magician curiously asked: “So why did you really come to my show?”

GOB had no other answer to give and shrugged his shoulders.  He felt like drowning his drink in one go, and leaving as quickly as possible, but didn’t want to admit defeat yet.

“Oh, I get it,” chuckled Tony, “You like me.”

“Yes. I mean, what? No, obviously.”

“What is it, yes or no?” teased Tony, leaning in closer over the small table, his hand a hair’s breadth away from GOB’s.

There was no backing down from his course of action now. “I’ve always admired you,” admitted GOB. “You were always the better magician, the one I hoped to become.”

Tony leant back on his bar stool, his dark eyes considering GOB. He ran a hand through his short-spiked hair and sighed. “I can’t believe I’m going to say this – but same.”

“Same?”  repeated GOB incredulously.  “But you always insult me, or-”

“Same,” confirmed Tony, interrupting him with a light touch on his arm, his expression more serious than GOB had ever seen it. “Your tricks are always a disaster, but it doesn’t stop you from attempting some of the most ambitious magic tricks I’ve seen. I admire your chutzpah.”

GOB gives Tony a shy smile, and asked: “Do you want a drink?”

 

* * *

 

It wasn’t until several weeks later at the very same bar, sitting next to Tony, that GOB realised they were friends – or at least frenemies. They had been meeting up almost every weekend at the seedy bar after Tony’s performances – at first to discuss the tricks Tony had performed and how they could be improved, and then eventually more about their day to day lives. It turned out that they had lots in common, from taste in women, to taste in booze, to stories about failed marriages and kids. At first it had been hard for GOB to follow his mantra _honesty is key_ but as they became more familiar, it became easier and easier. It was probably because they were frenemies now instead of rivals.

 He mentioned this to Tony, who gave him an incredulous look.

“What?” exclaimed GOB, his drink sloshing around in his hand. “You’re laughing now.”

Tony was indeed laughing stupidly, which GOB would have normally felt angry about. It must have been the amount of alcohol fizzing around his veins that made him begin to chuckle too.

“Same,” replied Tony, and clinked his glass against GOB’s. “You coming to tomorrow’s show?”

“Suure,” slurred GOB, happily. “You gonna try out the Magician’s Hammer?”

Tony smirked mysteriously in reply, his smirk becoming more and more pronounced as GOB reeled off every trick he could think of.

“Oh!” exclaimed GOB. “You’re doing a new trick! Does it feature doves?  Or glitter? Is there at any point, an inescapable coffin?”

“You’ll see,” responded Tony enigmatically. “It’s going to be _wonder_ ful.”

GOB snorted and launched into the story of the time he attempted the Magician’s Hammer and its disastrous consequences. “…By that time, the mouse had found its way into my trousers, but I had forgotten that I had snuck the mask into my trousers, so when I put it on, it looked like I had gotten some horrible plastic surgery. My mom thought I was a handsome sugar daddy and began to flirt with me. That memory features regularly in my nightmares.”

 

* * *

 

GOB arrived so early the next day that the staff were still setting up the small tables near the front of the stage and arranging the chairs. Unsure of what to do, he hung awkwardly around the stage until one of the younger crew members took pity on him and led him backstage to the little room where the acts would get ready.

GOB uncertainly followed the crew member into the room, waving hello to Tony as he put the finishing touches to his costume. Unlike his usual tight trousers and waistcoat, Tony had gone for black robe, intricate golden runes glinting every so often even in the dim light of the room.

“And when I give the signal, you’ll make sure to turn the lights out?” he asked the crew member as he dexterously applied some green glitter to his cheeks. With the green glitter, Tony looked like one of those fantasy mages from the games George Michael was always playing with his dork friends.

“Erm, you look good,” GOB said, still standing in the doorframe.

“I’ll be done in five minutes,” said the crew member as he passed Tony the clip-on mic and battery, “then you can kiss your boyfriend.”

“Err…” stuttered GOB. In the mirror beside where Tony was standing, he could see the other man’s challenging expression. _Come on and do it_ , it seemed to say, so GOB took a step forward.

“Are you sure?” he asked, for some reason his heart thundering in his chest. Tony was only asking in order to keep his cover as The Gay Magician and knew GOB would do it because they were friends. It meant nothing.

“Does it look like I’m not sure?” sarcastically replied the crew member as GOB inched forward towards Tony. “I’ll be five minutes.”

“John,” admonished Tony, as he made last minute adjustments to his costume. A tug here, a dash of aftershave there, and he was looking up at GOB with a challenge in his eyes. “Do you want to kiss me?” he asked, and GOB instantly retreated to the only advice he could remember _Honesty is the key_.

“Yes,” he whispered, and before he was even finished saying it, Tony’s hands were gently pulling him down, and there was just a touch of a kiss, like Tony was just as scared (excited) as he was.

GOB was so mesmerised by the brief kiss the poor crew member had to semi-push him out the room for the show to start on time. He ended up watching the entire show in a daze from a table nearby the stage, sure that he was staring at Tony the whole time.

Framed in the lights of the stage, Tony embodied the role of the ancient mage, Wonderous. Using his mystic talents, Wonderous set out to save the world from the ‘system’. GOB watched, enraptured, as Wonderous summoned bread to appease dread spirts, or made agents of the ‘system’ disappear through words of power. As the show neared the finale, and the mage Wonderous had defeated the agents of the ‘system’, Tony declared: “Behold! Now they are dead, I am free to love as I wish. Where is my boyfriend?”

GOB whipped his head around, stretching his neck to try to find this mysterious person. Several people were whopping, or chanting, “Me! Me!”

“I wonder who it is?” he thought aloud, and instantly regretted it when the man himself somehow appeared beside him.

“Did you say ‘wonder’?” asked Tony, grinning a little bit at GOB’s surprised face. “I have … feelings for you. You want to see where they lead?”

“Same! I mean, I also have feelings for you,” admitted GOB, “and I liked the kiss.” He didn’t know why he added the last part but decided to blame it on the fact he was still clinging to the instruction _honesty is key_ like it was a lifeline.

“Same,” replied Tony, and kissed him again. It was more sure and confident than the first time, but still somewhat tentative. Somewhere in the background, GOB could hear the whoops and hollers of the crowd, and instinctively curled into Tony’s warm frame. It was… nice.

 

* * *

 

  
GOB was beginning to wish he had done slightly more research initially or remembered more than _honesty is key_ because he now found he couldn’t shake thoughts of Tony from his mind. It was like having a particularly bad head cold, except instead of incessant sneezing, GOB found himself randomly thinking of Tony at the oddest moments. He would be pouring his cereal, and only putting in three sugars instead of five because Tony wouldn’t like it that way. Or he would be talking to his brother, and he’d be listening to whatever the hell the man was saying instead of nodding along, because it was something Tony would be interested in.

It was 10.17 when GOB picked up the phone and called the man.

“Hey,” said GOB, softly.

“Hey,” answered Tony. “You been thinking about me?” He was obviously teasing, but GOB immediately replied “Yes” and found he couldn’t stop the tirade of words.

“Of course, I can’t stop thinking about you, idiot,” he burbled. “I don’t know what trick you’ve pulled, but goddammit, this thing … these feelings … I have for you…. I’ve _never_ felt this way before. What’s wrong with me, Tony?”

Over the phone, GOB could hear Tony’s long sigh. “I think you’ve fallen for me, George Oscar Bluth.”

“Fallen? What do you mean, fallen? Like, in love?” demanded GOB.

There was silence on the other end of the line. In it’s silence, GOB could hear the echo _honesty is key_.

“Oh shit,” he swore, to Tony’s gentle, loving laugh, “I’m in love with you. But this isn’t how things were meant to go.  I was going to expose you… annihilate you.”

“You never read the instructions correctly,” joked Tony. “What kind of magician are you?”

“No,” agreed GOB, “but I’m glad I didn’t.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> After watching Arrested Development, I got struck by some inspiration and thus ended up writing this cracky, fluffy piece.
> 
> As always, I own none of the characters.
> 
> Hope you enjoy.


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